Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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