So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Randomize
