Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
