i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
