Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
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Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
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ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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