my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
