I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
