i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
