At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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