1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Randomize
