i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
