wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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