I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
