I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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