Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
