I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
