I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
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Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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