We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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