how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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