Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
