as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
