there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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