My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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