I'm laying in your front yard are you home
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
