you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
