I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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