i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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