I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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