Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
