my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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