theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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