I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
