Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
