I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
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During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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