I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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