it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
