You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
