I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
