Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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