maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
