She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
