Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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