it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
