Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
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THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
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The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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