I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
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Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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