I just cut my nipple shaving
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
