so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
