my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
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Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
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My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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