I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
