well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
