ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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