either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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