I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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