Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Pants are for mortals
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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