I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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